


Passing

by MissMegara



Series: And Then There Was Him [5]
Category: Figure Skating RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Friendship, Love, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-04 05:53:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4127460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMegara/pseuds/MissMegara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a relationship has to stand the test of time. When two people in love realize that, maybe, it just wasn't meant to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Little Time

**Author's Note:**

> This story is supposed to be a possible ending for this series. It isn't necessarily _the_ ending, but one possible version of how the story might go on. 
> 
> As always, a big thank you to [Fuchsia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuchsia/pseuds/Fuchsia) for being my ever so trustworthy beta ^_^ You make me believe that I still have some sanity left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction, consisting of fictional characters living fictional lives.

The summer of 2018 had been beautiful. Spring had come early that year, practically screaming at the world that it was time to cast out ice and snow, making a promise that something new and wonderful was about to begin. But also reminding everyone that all this was only part of a circle. That eventually everything would come to a natural end, because a new season could only begin once another had ended. Because nothing could last forever, not even the most beautiful summer.

If anybody had asked them back then if they were happy, they would've said yes without a moment's hesitation. But that summer was long gone by now. It had been more than two years since then, and things were not the same anymore.

 

The Olympics of that year had come and gone just as quickly as the last ones. One moment they'd been so busy with their training that they wished one single day could have at least 48 hours. And then, in the blink of an eye, it had all been over. Sometimes it seemed like time had its own playbook and changed the rules as it pleased, deciding on a whim if it wanted to fly by or crawl around oh so slowly. They both hadn't gotten the results they'd hoped for at their last Olympics, but they'd given their all and had shown the world the best possible version of themselves. That was all they could do and hope for. But as disappointed as they both were, they still stuck to their original plan and both retired from competitive skating right after the Games. They didn't even make it till Worlds. They were just done. And for the first time in forever, they wanted to spend their time on their own terms.

The last couple of years they had both built on their lives after competitive skating. In the end all their hardships had been worth it and they had a lot to show for, but that wasn't what this one summer should be about. During that time they didn't want to think about obligations or commitments. All they wanted was to enjoy every second they could spend together. They just wanted to be happy. This summer had been like an intermission, a transition period from one life to the next. Since they had both retired, they'd actually been able to take some time off. They'd gone on a trip together, spent a few weeks in places where they were sure that they'd never run the risk of being recognized by anybody. During the summer they participated in a vast number of ice shows, but there was never one they didn't both skate in, so they still got to spend all their time together. Once again they'd been moving from one hotel to the next, where one room looked just like the other. They were either training or doing a show or giving interviews or spending their time on busses, trains, planes. But still they felt like they'd gotten exactly what they were looking for: they were together. And they were happy.

 

And then, only one short year later, there was the evening when Javier said that they needed to talk. But Yuzuru already knew what it would be about. 

Their vision of a perfect summer had come to a rude awakening, because at some point the ice shows had been over, and with no more places to hide they'd eventually been forced to return to their real lives. Which meant that they had to move in opposite directions. Ironically this also meant that they both got to go home at last. Javier would move back to Madrid, and Yuzuru could finally return to his beloved Sendai. It was like a dream come true.

They didn't know when things started to be different. But they remembered that at some point their relationship had been stable. They had both taken the best from one another and made it their own, made it part of what they had as a couple. And as long as they'd been training together in Canada, they'd been able to make it work. They'd made the best of their situation and they'd gotten comfortable with it. But how long could that last? At what point would "we make it work somehow" no longer be enough? Javier hadn't been the only one to worry about this. Because if there was one thing that Yuzuru abhorred more than anything in the world, it was standing in place without moving anywhere. 

Something had gotten lost along the way. They didn't even realize it in the beginning. They made plans to call and write on a regular basis, and they wanted to visit each other as often as possible. But then their daily messages got reduced to an email or two every week. Their scheduled calls at night got cancelled more often than not, because one of them was always busy with work and appointments and other commitments that just couldn't wait. They had never made their relationship public, because the mere thought of the possible ramifications still scared the hell out of them. That's why they always felt like they needed a good excuse if they wanted to see each other. But those excuses often weren't easy to come by, and so visits got postponed at first, and then cancelled in the end. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. And when someone asked either of them when he'd last seen his boyfriend, they both had a hard time answering the question without consulting a date book. 

They didn't know this, but they'd both been talking to Brian about it. He was one of the few people who knew not only about their relationship, but who also knew them as people. And he knew what it was like to hide who you're in love with while trying to survive in this business. They trusted him because he knew where they were coming from. So when Javier started to wonder if it was time to make some changes, he asked Brian for advice. And so did Yuzuru. And they would both be asked the same questions and given the same choice by their former coach.

"Would you give up everything for him? Would you leave your dreams behind and follow him to another country if it meant that you could be with him?" And of course they both said "yes" immediately, because this was not a question worth asking. Even after four years they were still so madly in love, they would've done almost anything for each other. But then Brian asked them another question, and that's when they realized that there were more questions than they knew how to answer. That there was something they'd known all along, but didn't want to admit to themselves. "Would you want him to do the same for you? If he offered to do it, would you let him follow you? Would you let him give up his own dream so you can live yours?" And again there was only one answer for both of them.

 

They were in a stalemate. They could never allow the other to give up his whole life. They'd worked too hard to get where they were right now. Javier knew how important it was for Yuzuru to continuously support his home town, what a symbol of hope and pride he still was in the world of Japanese figure skating. One day he'd regret it. Right now he had the chance to do so much good and actually leave a mark in history. One day he'd look back and blame them both for not seizing this opportunity. And Yuzuru felt the same way. The last couple of years he'd watched Javier work a miracle. Measured by Spanish standards, he'd expanded his skating club to enormous proportions and even managed to obtain funding to modernize their rinks. He loved his country as much as he loved this sport, and he'd been able to make his people fall in love with figure skating as well. How could he even think about letting him give up any of this? He had the chance of a lifetime to create something wonderful that would last until they were both long gone from this world. Even if Javier offered to let it all go, Yuzuru could never forgive himself if he'd accepted this from him. And deep down they knew. They knew that making the offer would be just as impossible as accepting it. 

 

There they were. Having a conversation that was a mere formality, because they both already knew where this would be going. Yuzuru didn't talk all that much, he mainly listened to what Javier had to say and didn't interrupt him. He didn't hear anything he hadn't expected, because it wasn't the first time they had this kind of conversation. They had promised each other so many times to make more of an effort, to try harder, to make it work. But then something would always get in the way, and their relationship would always be the thing that had to yield. Because something else always seemed more important at the time.

There was no reason for happiness, yet Yuzuru couldn't help but smile every once in a while. He could hear that those words Javier said had once again been prepared to the last syllable. His voice always changed in a very specific way when he wasn't speaking from his heart.

"The distance is just too much. We're stuck and I don't see how we can get out of it. We tried, but we're both not made for this. I love you and I want..."

"I love you too," Yuzuru interrupted him for the first and only time, instantly signaling Javier to please go on.

"We're not a couple anymore. Not really. I want to be with you, but we can't make it work and that... that's actually harder than the idea of..." Javier cleared his throat, unable to say it out loud, although his point was already made. "We aren't teenagers anymore. It's been four years and we're exactly where we started. But now I have my life here in Spain and you have yours all the way on the other side of the world. We both have plans for our future and... I think those plans are just too far apart."

"I agree," Yuzuru nodded, much to Javier's surprise. "We had good past. But we don't have good future. We tried, but this doesn't work. We should not waste more time."

And just as Yuzuru had heard it in Javier's voice before, he now in turn recognized this subtle undertone beneath his words. Javier was uncertain how he felt about this. He'd been afraid that this might end with some big drama, a grand scene where he had to explain himself over and over to Yuzuru. That in the end he'd probably cave in if Yuzuru only begged him long enough to not leave him. Though frankly it wouldn't even have taken all that much begging. This was a rational choice, made after mature deliberation. But all that had nothing to do with what they really wanted. 

For a little while the conversation continued in a similar manner. They both said their bits. They had prepared their arguments, they might as well say them out loud while they were at it. Afterwards Yuzuru wanted to leave right away and move to a hotel, but Javier talked him into spending one last night at his apartment. And Yuzuru agreed. 

They never actually said goodbye to one another. They silently fell asleep in each other's arms one last time, but when Javier woke up in the morning, Yuzuru was already gone. He thought he had to do this alone because surely he wouldn't be able to hold back his tears. He didn't want to make it harder on both of them. 

In the end Yuzuru was probably more surprised than anybody that not one drop left his eyes. Not while he was quietly gathering the few belongings he'd brought with him. Not when he carefully kissed Javier goodbye as he was still fast asleep. Not even during the flight back to Japan, which felt so much shorter than it used to. And once he set foot outside the airport in Sendai, he suddenly realized that nothing had changed here. Everything looked exactly the same. Things would just go back to how they used to be. It would be okay. His heart had always been here and never left anyway. He would be okay. This would be home.


	2. Caught Up

Yuzuru instinctively put one hand over his belly when he heard his stomach make unintentional noises. Or maybe he'd imagined it, maybe those sounds were just in his head. But the queasy feeling in his gut was certainly very much real. He kept walking down the corridor of this giant building that had much more in common with a maze than it did with a hotel. How could it be that such a pricey facility was so cheap when it came to putting up a few more signs? It had already happened twice that he'd made a wrong turn at the end of a hallway. Not even the elevators worked properly around here. He was sure he'd pressed the right button, but still he'd ended up on the wrong floor at his first try. Next time they'd have to choose a different hotel, this really was unacceptable. 

What was he even doing here? He shouldn't have agreed to this. He should've said no. Actually, coming to think of it, he had said no. Several times in fact. He just hadn't found a sympathetic ear for his wishes. The second he'd stepped into Kanako's office on that day a couple of months ago, he already wanted to turn on his heel and rush out as fast as his feet would take him. He knew that look on her face, and he knew that he wouldn't like what was about to happen.

 

"We should invite Javi," she almost yelled at him, not bothering to even say hello, although it was the first time they saw each other that day. Yuzuru stared at her like she'd suggested to jump off a skyscraper to find out if her skirt could be used as a parachute. "What? It's a good idea."

"It... I... this..." 

"It, you, this, what exactly?" Kanako aped him shamelessly without at least trying to be cute about it.

"How... why... no!" he kept on stuttering, hoping that at least that last "no" had been vehement enough for her to get the hint.

"Why not?"

"Because... no!"

"That's a silly argument."

"Leave it alone, I don't want to talk about it. And I said no."

"You know that I'm right."

"I know that you're stupid," he replied mumbling, furrowing his brow and biting his lower lip so hard, he could already feel the teeth marks he'd leave behind.

"I am organizing this ice show and I say we should invite him."

"And I hired you to work for me because this is my damn skating program and my ice show and I decide who gets invited."

"You know that I'm desperate, don't you? You picked a really crappy date for this show."

"There are reasons why we had to... why am I telling you this? I already explained that like five times."

"And I still don't understand why you want to do this show while all the big ice shows are taking place right around the corner. Do you have any idea how many skaters have turned down my invitations?"

"Not that again."

"You remember that we're doing this for charity, right?"

"Yes, it was my idea. I remember."

"We have to think outside the box."

"I like boxes."

"We don't exactly offer big paychecks. The other shows do. We don't. We need him."

"No."

"I checked his schedule and asked around."

"No."

"He hasn't confirmed any other shows around that time."

"No."

"He is totally available."

With an exasperated moan Yuzuru let himself fall onto a chair. He realized how his voice had gotten more and more desperate with every "no" that was left unheard. But Kanako didn't seem to mind. Or care. "Why are you doing this?" he asked, genuinely upset by her insufferable persistence. "You know that I... what did you expect that I would say?"

"I expected you to at least hear me out."

"I don't want to hear it. I know what you're doing. You're playing one of your games and..."

"I'm trying to work with you. If you actually want to raise some real money, we'll need a strategy to sell more tickets. Sorry to break it to you, but your pretty face alone doesn't cut it. But if I could promote the two of you for this show, that would actually work. I know it would. And you know it too."

Yuzuru hated it when she was right. He hadn't hired her for nothing. After Kanako had retired from competitive skating, she'd tried to work as a coach, but for some reason couldn't get a foot in the door anyway. And once Yuzuru had started his own skating program here in Sendai, he of course offered her a job when she was looking for one. She now still taught some classes from time to time. But after a while it had become crystal clear that she was much better at organizing than she was at teaching. So that soon became her new responsibility. And she was really good at that. Everything always went according to plan with her, and Yuzuru couldn't even begin to tell how much time, money and nerves had been saved thanks to her extraordinary talents.

"There has to be another way," he muttered, still reluctant to give in.

"Then you find one, because I'm running out of ideas."

Yuzuru suddenly developed a keen interest in his sneakers. Anything was better than to face that defiant look Kanako was darting at him. But he still had no other answer for her than to shrug his shoulders and shake his head. 

Kanako got up from behind her desk and walked around his chair. She laid her arms around him, crossed her hands in front of his chest and carefully leaned her chin onto his shoulder. "You haven't seen him in over a year. Are you still not over it?" she asked quietly, and Yuzuru cringed at the tone of sincere concern in her voice. Usually he wouldn't even give her the chance to address this topic. He'd been shutting her out completely regarding this, just like anybody else. He didn't want nobody's pity. Least of all hers. "Have you talked to him at all?"

"There‘s nothing to talk about. We ended it. That's all. I'm fine."

"Then why is it a problem that I want him to come?" Yuzuru didn't answer. For a moment he didn't even dare to breathe, let alone try to think of an answer to that question. Kanako sighed deeply and tightened her clumsy embrace before she put a kiss on his cheek. "You're the boss. This is my problem, not yours. I'll find another way."

Yuzuru put his hands over Kanako's and pressed them tightly against his chest, not realizing that it would allow her to feel the blood racing through his veins. "No," he then said almost in a whisper. "Do it." He carefully loosened her arms, got up, and left her office without looking back or saying another word.


	3. Imperfection

Javier was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Something was off in this room. It was a nice hotel and all, quite luxurious compared to what he was used to actually. And he had a room of his own, which was also a pleasant change of pace, considering that it wasn't the norm for most of the skaters when they participated in ice shows. But something was not right here. The bed felt uncomfortable, the windows were too small. The picture above the table was some kind of curious abstract art that made the hideous color of the wall stand out even more. Javier tried to remember when a nice hotel room had last felt as off-putting as this one did, but then he suddenly got jolted out of his thoughts by a knock on the door.

He wasn't surprised to find Yuzuru standing in front of him when he answered the door, because he had announced his visit via email the day before. Or rather, he had Kanako send another email, informing Javier that he'd stop by to say hello before they'd start the official practice the next day. But even though he'd known who to expect, Javier still had a hard time hiding his irritation. He looked exactly the same. Maybe he'd lost a little weight, but that was to be expected. Yuzuru had always tended to lose some of his muscle mass when he stopped exercising intensely for a longer period of time. But other than that he hadn't changed in the slightest. It was like time was standing still around him.

"Can I come in?"

"Yes, of course." Javier stepped aside and apologized for making him wait. He closed the door behind him, watched Yuzuru walk to the middle of the room, and suddenly nothing was like it used to be. Yuzuru's greeting consisted of little more than a slight bow and a commonplace phrase. He wasn't rude or anything. Just different. Distant. Yuzuru thanked him for agreeing to be part of the show. Then he apologized for not coming sooner, but there'd been some appointments that couldn't be postponed. He thanked him again for coming and asked if he'd had a pleasant flight. And Javier answered all his questions just as courteously. He in turn asked how Yuzuru's students were doing. Besides the obvious, because he'd of course been keeping track of their official standings. He inquired about his parents and his sister, said he was glad to hear that they were doing okay. All in all their talk couldn't have been more pleasant. But while Yuzuru was very skilled at having nondescript conversations that consisted of little more than platitudes and formal courtesies, this was not an art Javier had mastered yet. 

Yuzuru didn't look too thrilled when Javier asked how he himself was doing. He tried to bring it back to business, talked about the ice rink and the great work all the teachers in his program did. But Javier wouldn't let it go. He seemed just as uncomfortable as Yuzuru when he asked if he was seeing anybody at the moment, and their eyes only briefly met when Yuzuru silently shook his head. There was a pause that lasted entirely too long. Javier clenched his fists when he realized that his fingers were scraping over his jeans, making him look just as nervous as he actually was. The sound of his own breathing drove him mad, and eventually he asked the question, if only to stop that horrible wheezy noise that was coming from his lungs. "Have you been with anybody?"

Yuzuru held his breath for a moment. He hadn't expected this question to be actually asked. He swallowed hard and only slightly shook his head while an anxious smile played around his lips.

"Oh, come on, you never had a problem in that department. You just don't want to tell me about them, right?" Javier laughed shakily. But his grin lost all its power when Yuzuru once again shook his head and whispered, "No." Javier knew how to understand that. He didn't mean "No, I don't want to tell you." After all that time, he could still read his telltale signs. That little twitch around the corner of his mouth when he tried to smile. The slight tremor in his voice that nobody else would've heard. But most of all that look in his eyes, that faint shadow that seemed to lay over his gaze for a split-second. Javier knew exactly how to understand that "no", and it made him not want to answer when Yuzuru in turn asked if he was in a relationship.

"There was this guy," he answered truthfully and tried to ignore the fact that Yuzuru didn't look even slightly fazed. "It didn't last long. He had also just..." Javier scratched his neck and cleared his throat. "He had just broken up with his boyfriend and... we kinda knew from the beginning that it wouldn't..."

Javier didn't feel the need to explain the nature of this relationship in detail. He'd already told only half the story. Because there had definitely been more than this one guy between their breakup and this moment right now. But Yuzuru had specifically asked about a relationship, and this was the only thing that came even close to what that word might describe. He'd been dating this guy for a couple of months, but it had taken them only a few days to figure out how this would end. They were both on the rebound. That's what this would be, a rebound relationship, because neither of them had been ready for something new. But they really liked each other and thought there'd be no harm in spending some quality time together. 

In the end it had actually been Javier who initiated their physical relationship. It turned out to be the most awkward kiss he'd ever had in his life. It was even stranger than that first kiss with Yuzuru. Javier knew that he probably wouldn't live as a chaste monk for the rest of his life. But Yuzuru's lips had been all he'd known for the last couple of years, and kissing somebody who was not Yuzu – it just felt so unreal. Not right.  
The first time they had sex felt even more bizarre, mostly because Javier wasn't sure how he felt about this. His head wasn't in it, and the whole time there was only one thought on his mind: it's not Yuzu. Those hands that were gliding over his skin, he didn't know them. The body he was touching was not the body he wanted to touch. And yet his own body was clearly enjoying this, there was no denying that. It wouldn't be the last time they had sex, because while they were not having a serious relationship, they were still having pretty good sex. But in the end it was nothing more than that, and after a while they both got tired of it, so eventually they broke it off.

Yuzuru probably would've understood the concept of this relationship. After all, he'd had more than enough short-term flings that had been about sex and sex alone. But Javier still didn't want to tell him about it, because this wasn't the same. And he knew Yuzuru, it wouldn't be the same to him either. "We just didn't click. Actually... Laura kinda hooked us up. It wasn't the first time she wanted to do that and... well, it was a stupid idea from the beginning. It's probably never a good idea to date the brother of your sister's husband."

Yuzuru's eyes widened instantly. "Husband?"

"Oh. Right. You don't know about that. Yeah, they got married in spring. She was pretty lucky she still fit in her dress by the time of the wedding. She was already four months pregnant by then." Javier laughed when Yuzuru's eyes got even wider. "Yup. Only a few more weeks and I'm gonna be an uncle. The poor kid."

"You'll be good uncle."

"We'll see about that."

"No. I know," Yuzuru nodded with conviction. "You're always great brother for Laura. You'll be great uncle too."

Javier knew that his smile had just frozen and that he was staring at him, but he couldn't turn it off. Since the moment Yuzuru had walked through the door, something had been off. But those last few words – that had actually sounded like him. His voice had changed to that tone he'd only ever used for Javier, and his lips had formed into the beautiful, comforting smile that the rest of the world had never seen on him before. He'd almost forgotten about that.

"Yeah, anyway..." Javier scratched his neck and cleared his throat. "She's huge," he tried to sidetrack the situation, but the shaky laugh almost got stuck in his throat. "Really, she's really big, like you wouldn't believe it. She's complaining all the time about how she's never gonna lose all that weight. Here, look."

Yuzuru walked over to him as Javier pulled out his phone to open the picture folder. "Oh my God, she's..."

"Enormous, I told you. If that kid doesn't come out anytime soon, I'm afraid she might actually explode." Yuzuru started to giggle while Javier browsed through the photo album, presenting an endless string of pictures showing his sister in the various stages of her pregnancy. "She has absolutely no sense of humor about this. One time I asked her if she still fits through the doors in her apartment, and she threw a shoe at me."

"I don't believe you," Yuzuru snickered and lightly elbowed him in the side.

"I'm totally serious, she took off one of her sneakers and threw it at me. She's like a giant, crazy gorilla mama."

Yuzuru was still laughing when he reached for the phone, letting his finger glide over the screen and looking at some more pictures. "She's beautiful," he said quietly when he finally turned towards Javier, making time stand still all over again. Because just for a second they knew that they were looking at each other like they used to do. It was open, unhindered. And it was what made them realize that Yuzuru had put his hand over Javier's as they were both holding his phone. That his fingertips were still gently grazing his skin, even as they now stepped away from one another.

"You tell Laura I'm very happy for her, yes?"

"Sure," Javier mumbled awkwardly, running his fingers over the spot where Yuzuru's hand had been just a moment ago. "But I guess she'd rather hear from you herself."

"Of course. Sorry. I'm very sorry," Yuzuru apologized instantly, using his recurring bows as an excuse to look at the floor rather than Javier's face. "I'm stupid. Sorry. I'll write her myself." The way Yuzuru kept glancing at the door seemed almost desperate. "I think I go now," he said hastily, already walking backwards towards the rescuing exit. 

"Wait, we..."

"I see you tomorrow."


	4. Threshold

Javier watched him get closer to the door, answered the wave of his hand with the same helpless gesture, and then all he could see anymore was the back of Yuzuru's head. "You know this is stupid, right?" he blurted out the moment Yuzuru's hand touched the handle. "We start practice tomorrow. For the next week we have to be around each other, and we can't always be on opposite sides of the rink. People expect us to at least act like we're still friends."

Yuzuru's fingers tightened hard around the polished metal. "We're friends," he mumbled, eyes fixed on his knuckles that were slowly losing color.

"Sure about that?" Javier laughed unsteadily. "You didn't even shake my hand when you came in. Actually... I feel like you don't want me here." He inhaled deeply, hoping that it would calm down his breathing. But it did nothing of the sort. "Maybe I shouldn't have come."

Javier could see that Yuzuru's whole body tensed, from the tips of his toes to the roots of his hair. But when he finally turned around and came back towards him, his face was like a stone wall of voidance. "I'm glad you came," he said with the most vacuous tone of voice and stiffly stuck out his arm. "I apologize that I make you feel bad. I'll do better. We'll have good show together."

Javier looked at the hand that was offered to him. The gesture seemed about as personal as receiving a package from the mailman, but finally Javier took his hand. It felt cold. Unfamiliar. But still he didn't let go when Yuzuru tried to pull it back. "Why did you ask me to come?" he said quietly, slightly turning his wrist and now staring at the back of Yuzuru's hand.

"I... didn't. It was... it was Kana's idea."

Javier tried to pull him closer, but Yuzuru's feet were grounded like they were stuck in concrete. "Why did you ask me to come?" he said again, stepping closely towards him, lifting his head and not allowing either of them to avoid eye contact anymore.

Yuzuru was unable to hide how his heart rate was going through the roof, how his breathing had changed to a point where he was almost holding his breath to keep his chest from heaving. "Kana said it's good for selling tickets."

"So you're just using me?"

"Yes."

"And you expect me to play along?"

"Yes."

"Because this is just business, right?" Yuzuru looked away, but Javier instantly grabbed him by the chin and turned his face back towards him. "Answer me."

"Don't," Yuzuru whispered and closed his eyes, praying that not seeing would make it all go away. And Javier didn't. He didn't stop himself from leaning forward and touching those lips with his own, didn't need more than a split-second to remember that this was the feeling he'd been searching for all the while. But when he felt something wet run over his hand, he backed away. Yuzuru's lips were trembling, his gaze weary as that tiny tear drop ran down his face. Javier awkwardly let his hand glide over Yuzuru's cheek, trying to wipe away the evidence of what he'd caused. "I'm sorry, I didn't..."

"I missed you so much!" Yuzuru blundered out, his voice stifled and drowned, slinging both arms around Javier's neck and leaping at him so fast, they both lost their balance and crashed down on the floor. Javier gasped out loud as Yuzuru landed on top of him, squeezing every last bit of air out of his lungs. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I hurt you?"

Javier moaned and held his head, muttering something in Spanish, but also telling him that he was alright. He didn't get any further because Yuzuru was already clinging to him again, wrapping both arms around his neck, kissing him, pressing against him like he was trying to make them both meld with the carpeting. "Cariño, I can't breathe," Javier somehow managed to mumble in one of the rare moments that Yuzuru's lips weren't tightly pressed against his own. 

Yuzuru pushed himself up, just far enough so that Javier wouldn't suffocate. "Say that again," he stammered with a shaky voice, like his body had suddenly forgotten how to speak words he'd said about a million times before.

"It's okay, I just needed to catch my..."

"No. Not that."

Javier stared at Yuzuru's parted lips, thinking he could actually see those wheezy pants fighting their way through a somewhat conflicted smile. "Cariño," he repeated in a whisper, letting his fingers run through the silky black hair as Yuzuru sighingly snuggled his face into his chest. It felt every bit like the last time. Every part of his body still fit perfectly into his arms. 

"You know," Javier said after a while, "at some point we should probably get up from the floor."

"Don't make me let go again," Yuzuru murmured, digging his fingers even deeper into Javier's shirt, not caring one bit that his tears were still drenching every fiber of it. He hadn't seen how the look on Javier's face had changed, hadn't noticed how his hand had stopped stroking his back for just a moment. All he cared about was the sound of the beating heart right next to his ear and the warmth radiating from the body underneath him. 

"Is this how you feel?" Javier asked calmly, knowing that Yuzuru's mind had just been light years away from him. "You think I made you leave?"

Yuzuru slightly shook his head and reluctantly loosened his grip, just enough so he'd be able to roll to the side, neither allowing Javier to release him from the embrace, nor taking his own hands away from him. "It's not your fault. We both made a decision. I thought maybe we don't have other choice. But later... I thought maybe we were wrong. Maybe if this is hard, we must only work harder." All the time Yuzuru's hand restlessly wandered over Javier's body, stroking his chest, his hair. His fingertips kept grazing his face, like they needed to recall every line, although they had never forgotten even a single one of them. "I hate to give up. I don't know why I give up with you. Because after I leave, I miss you so much all the time, but I didn't know if you..." Tears were already running down his face again, mixing with the traces of the one's that had been there before. And Javier didn't know what else to do but to take him into his arms again, just hold him as tightly as possible, even if it meant suffocating under the weight of it all. 

There were many reasons why they'd tried so hard to avoid each other all this time. The fear that it would be awkward. That they wouldn't be able to have a normal conversation anymore. That it would just plain hurt to be near each other. That they wouldn't be able to ask all those unspoken questions that were silently hanging over them all the time.

Like... _do you miss me? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Or do you miss me at least a little bit? Do you know what it's like to stand in the middle of a crowd and still feel so helplessly lonely? Do you sometimes lie awake at night? Do you stare into the darkness and wonder if it has always been so scary?_

_Do you know what it feels like when you suddenly can't breathe anymore? When it seems like an ice-cold hand has reached into your chest and is tearing at your insides? I feel like that every time I imagine that you might be with somebody else. That you could do what I can't. That you've gotten over me and let somebody else into your heart._

_And I hate myself for being so selfish. Because if you've found somebody who makes you happy, I should be happy for you. Because this is all I want for you.  
But I can't. I can't bring myself to feel like that. All I can think is: Why not me? Why can't you just be happy with me?_

Javier looked down at the head that was still lying on his chest. He was back. He'd really gotten him back. Yuzuru looked up at him when Javier's hand stopped caressing his back and instead stroked his neck. He remembered that touch so well. How those strong hands would hold him firmly, accompanying and guiding his every move. Yuzuru kissed him onto the chest when Javier's fingers ran through his hair. He smelled exactly like he used to, and Yuzuru instantly wanted to know if the rest of him still tasted the same as well. Javier's shoulder twitched lightly, pushing his upper body into Yuzuru's touch as he let his hand rub over Javier's pecs. Yuzuru apparently approved of the reaction, started pinching Javier's nipple through the shirt and felt it get harder almost instantly. 

Yuzuru didn't hold back for a second. All that time without Javier, it had been gone for good, and he didn't have any more time to waste. Within a moment he was on top of him, his one arm slung around his neck, one hand buried in Javier's shirt so deep, he nearly ripped it apart. Javier let his hands run up and down Yuzuru's body, not caring which part they would touch, only wanting to feel him. He didn't resist when Yuzuru slipped his tongue between his lips and kissed him just like he used to: hot, thirsty, with an eagerness that wasn't afraid to blatantly show itself and ask for more. The hand that had been clenching Javier's shirt was now underneath it, finding its way up over his chest. Yuzuru pushed his hips down, pressed even harder against the body he longed for so much. "Yuzu." Javier barely brought any word out between their lips as he was facing his choices, to either answer those burning needs or douse the blazing sparks entirely. "Yuzu, we shouldn't..."

"Sleep with me."

"Yuzu, wait."

"Please."

Javier snorted so hard, his head snapped back and once again hit the floor, aggravating the dull pain that was still occupying the back of his head. "Did you just say please?"

"Yes, please," Yuzuru repeated himself, unceasingly trying to kiss him and completely unimpressed by the almost pitiful undertone in his voice.

"No, Yuzu, just..." Javier had the hardest time getting him off his face, especially since he didn't even want him to move anywhere. But his hurting head was giving orders that the rest of his body had to obey. "I didn't exactly come prepared. Did you? I don't have condoms or anything."

"We don't need. I told you, I haven't..."

"But I have. And I haven't always been as careful as I should've been." Yuzuru slowly let him be and sat up. He was still kneeling over Javier's lap and making a face like he'd just been told that Javier had been at the center of a weekly orgy ever since Yuzuru had left. "It's not like that," he tried to immediately calm him, because he could clearly see what kind of scenarios Yuzuru was playing through in his mind. "So there's been more than this one guy, but..." When Javier sat up, he hadn't even begun to lift his arms when Yuzuru's were already clinging to his neck again. "Let's not restart this by doing something stupid, okay?"

"Okay." Yuzuru leaned in closely and brushed his mouth against Javier's, knowing damn well how he was teasing him with every breath he sent through his lips. "You're right, this hotel is stupid," he whispered, and when his sneaky fingers tickled the back of Javier's neck, he could feel a shiver run through both their bodies almost simultaneously. "But I have things in my apartment."

"Boy, you really need to get laid, huh?" Javier chuckled, but the laughter gradually faded away when Yuzuru's expression didn't match his own this time.

"Don't stay here," he said quite seriously, letting his hands run over Javier's shoulders and chest. "You can stay at my apartment. I have so much room."

Javier took the hands that were still restlessly fiddling with his shirt. He kissed the tips of his fingers before he enclosed them in his own, his warm breath leaving a tingling sensation on Yuzuru's skin. "It won't go unnoticed if I stay at your place," he mumbled, and Yuzuru could still feel the movement of his lips before Javier finally lifted his head again.

"You still care about that?"

"It's just... I don't want us to rush it. If we do this now, there's no going back and..." Javier paused when he saw how that look of genuine sadness took hold of Yuzuru's face. "What is it?" he asked, wondering how he'd once again managed to cause this air of melancholy that overcast any other feeling between them.

"Back to what? Secrets? Always lie to everybody?"

"No, that's not what..."

"We tried that. It didn't work."

"I know." Javier forced a smile and tenderly stroked his hair. He felt the sudden urge to apologize to Yuzuru. He was the older one, he'd been the one with experience. It had been his responsibility to make this work, to guide them through the rough patches. But he'd failed. He'd failed him, although he'd once promised him to be better and never let him down again.

"Don't stay here," Yuzuru's voice resounded from a distant place. He took Javier's face between both hands, his fingertips gently grazing the bristly skin. "Come home with me," he whispered, and the tone of his voice made Javier's heart skip a beat like he hadn't felt it in ages.

"Only if you don't start crying again," he replied with a curious smile.

"That's not fair." Yuzuru pursed his lips and tilted his head. "It's just happy tears."

Javier couldn't help but laugh. Yuzuru had never been above using his charms on him, and he still had that look down cold. "I don't care," he smirked, wiping dry the last wet spots on Yuzuru's face. "I want you happy without tears."

Yuzuru hugged him again, kissed him like he was still trying to reclaim every single touch that had been lost in time. But finally they managed to get up from the floor. Yuzuru helped Javier gather his belongings, but it still took them much longer than necessary. Every once in a while Yuzuru would take Javier's hand and not let go of it, or he'd just wrap his arms around him from behind, making it that much harder for Javier to pack his suitcase. And sometimes Javier would just stop in his track and watch Yuzuru scurry around the room, checking every shelf and drawer at least twice to make sure they wouldn't leave anything behind. But eventually they were done and made it out of the room.

Javier slowly pulled the door closed. The whole building seemed to be fast asleep by now. There was little more left than the sound of his own breathing, and all else he could hear was the faint clicking noise of the lock as it quietly snapped shut. When he turned around, Yuzuru was already about to leave, but he held him back by the arm. He leaned over and gave him a peck on the lips that was neither too long nor too quick. "First kiss on the other side," he whispered and watched Yuzuru's face brighten with a smile he'd never allow to get lost again.


End file.
